In our facebook group today, I posted a question. I asked “How do YOU deal with how others perceive you? How much or little does it have an effect on you?” Most of the responses are where I think I want my head to go, but I have no freaking clue on how to get it there. Most people said that they don’t pay any attention to what others think of them; that it does not bother them because they do not allow it to. I guess the moral of the story is…..I want to be like them when I grow up.
I remember my mother having an Emily Post book on etiquette in her desk. We used it and “proper” protocol when planning my wedding. My mother NEVER went outside of the house or her apartment without her “face on” and earrings in, not even to walk the dog. The only time that she would wear a bathing suit was when we were on vacation in Florida because she would never see those people again. I always just thought it was a quirk of hers. I “thought” I was different than her, but I am now realizing that I am in fact a lot like her.
I do not care about where I am when I wear a bathing suit. I am where I am to make memories with my children, not for anyone to look at. In that instance, I do not care what anyone is thinking of me. I rarely wear makeup. I just don’t take the time, I’d rather get a few extra minutes of sleep in. But, there ARE plenty of other times where I DO care what others are thinking. Sometimes when Pappa and I get into a heated discussion in the middle of Sam’s Club and there are tears streaming down my face, yes I worry about what others are saying. When Pappa wants to go to a local munch and I am extremely worried and nervous that I am going to know someone there, yes I care about what others are thinking. Being that I am a teacher in my vanilla life, I just about always run into someone from the community that I know. Could be a former student or their parent. I’ve been told, “so what if there is someone you know at a munch. They can’t out you without outing themselves.” True, but I feel like I have a lot more to lose than they do.
To be honest, there were sometimes last night in our live video on facebook, when I didn’t particular care for the way Pappa was talking to me and I worried about what others in our group were thinking. But, to not come across as disrespectful to him, I didn’t say anything.
I need to get to the point that my good friend is at and declare that I am not going to give any of my Fucks to this. The question is….just how do I get there? I know what and how my dynamic with Pappa is, no one else knows but the two of us. Not caring about what people think about the two of us, that I believe will be the first thing for me to be able to not give a Fuck to.
HouseofEclipse 