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Anxiety & Kink

Pappa and have decided to venture out into our local kink community. More like, I have finally put my anxiety on hold, Pappa has been patient, and I am ready to step out into the kink community. What has held me back? Oh just the fact that I suffer from social anxiety and I have a family member involved in the kink community as well. As far as I know, that family member does not know that I am involved in it or that I know he is involved in it.

After completing a lot of research, I found two groups on FetLife that I wanted to become a part of. We have gone to a munch for the both of them, and we tried a new thing last night, we attended a Rope 101 class. Pappa had mentioned about two years ago that he wanted to learn the art of rope. The both of us are amazed at the beautiful art in the photographs that we have seen. We would love to be able to recreate that art with ourselves. There is one particular couple that we are forming a friendship with. I don’t know what it is, but they just strike a good cord with us, they seem a lot like us, and I am sure that we could learn from them. What has stopped me from telling them that? My anxiety of course.

Let me just say, yes Anxiety is a bitch. It is something that I wish, every single day, that I did not suffer from. I try my absolute best to not give it any power of me, but somedays, most days, anxiety wins. Last night, even though I put Anxiety mamma in the corner, I went to the Rope 101 class, I was very into it, into learning, into letting Pappa practice on my wrists, she decided to creep her head out at the very end of the class. We were taught how to do a chest harness. One thing that we learned, is if you are wearing an underwire bra, you must take it off first, before attempting the chest harness. Before I knew it, I looked up and saw five women, bras removed, having a chest harness created on them. I was invited to join, but I chose not to. Pappa stated to them that I was a little shy.

For the record, I did not want to partake for two reasons, one was for me and one was for Pappa. My first reason, I did not feel like I was being put on the spot, I felt like he was. Pappa is a perfectionist, I know that he likes to perfect his craft before putting on a display in front of everyone. I could not do that to him. My reason for not doing it for me….I was the only BBW there. The five women that were topless, getting harnessed up, and having fun, they were beautiful. Bodies were perfect in the fact that they all had things about themselves that they did not like. At a party, I am normally an exhibitionist, I do not tend to mind anyone seeing me, and I enjoy doing a scene with Pappa. I suppose it is the teacher within me. At the parties I am usually at, I am surrounded by other BBW’s. So why did I freeze up, especially when I was being encouraged by the other women to partake in it? Thinking back on it now, I did it because of Pappa. I did not want him to feel like he had failed. I saw his frustration when he thought he was not doing it the way he thought it was supposed to be done.

The biggest lesson that I learned from last nights experience, you have to always be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else. Debriefing the events of the evening in my own head first, it’s what I needed. Pappa always says that sometimes I should just talk without thinking first, without a filter. I don’t know about that.

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