Music, it is both calming and nerve wracking all at the same time. As I am creating some crafting items for House of Eclipse this morning, I decided to listen to Country Icons on youtube music. When I woke up and saw that Kenny Rogers passed away last night, I decided that it was time to listen to this station. I needed to bring myself back to the easier times in my life. The times when the only cares I had were cleaning my room, washing dishes, reading books, riding my dirt bike, and doing chores on Saturday mornings. You know, when I was between the ages of 9 and 14. lol
Then, there is always that one song that puts you back in a space you don’t want to be in, comes on. For me, it was a song by Sugarland, “Stay”. Let me take you on a journey of that song and what I was feeling. The song is about “the other woman”. She is asking her man why doesn’t he stay with her? Why when his wife calls, does he always go running back home? Why isn’t she enough for him to stay? As I am singing along to this song, the tears start running down my cheeks. Although I was the wife, I began to feel like I was “the other woman” in my marriage. He would give the best parts of him to others while I only received what was left. I lived that life for 23 years. Then, like in the song, one day I got up off my knees and decided that I deserved better. That my daughter deserved to see how a man is supposed to treat a woman. That my sons deserved to see the proper way to treat woman. I was no longer going to remain in a marriage where I was not respected, where the things that I wanted and needed did not matter, where only his wants and needs were being fulfilled. I told him to stay, stay with those that are giving you want you want because I can not any longer.
For those that still talk to him or see him around, you know what he wants you to know about our situation. It has taken me a long time, but I have finally gotten to the point where that is okay. I am the one that can sleep well at night, knowing that I did what I deserved, knowing that I deserved to be happy like so many others in this world.
So, back to music. Music follows us through out our lives. Music brings on so many different emotions in us. Music is my therapy. Now, writing while listening to music is now my therapy to deal with the emotions and things that have happened to me in the past. I am almost 44 years old, it was about time that I grew up, stopped living a fairy tale, and went after what I deserved!!
Pappa, I didn’t have the strength to do the things that I knew I needed to do, until you came along. I always say that I thought I was saving you when we met, but in all reality, we saved each other. You DID NOT take me away from my family. I realized that I deserved so much more than I was getting. Thank you, thank you for being my strength when I am weak, I can always pull from your strength. Thank you for for taking a chance on me. I know that I am not the easiest woman to deal with, I have a lot of baggage and hurt that I am still working through, even more growing to do. I Love You, Most! <3<3<3