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Trust Your Gut!

Last Friday, I had a very important meeting. Quite a few things were pointed out. Then today, quite a few memories popped up on my facebook page. All of this combined, it had me start thinking of where I was two years ago, one year ago, today, and where I am going in the future.

Last Friday, let me start with that. Meeting at the school and we were told, “_______ is not the same child that we saw one year ago. He is very social, outgoing, no longer hangs out at his locker to avoid going to class. It is so amazing to see all of the wonderful changes in him. His compliance has gone from 25% of the day to 80% of the day. The two of you have really done amazing things with him this year.” She was talking to Pappa and I. I could feel my cheeks turning red, I was embarrassed and proud at the same time. The next words out of my mouth, they were something that I had never expected to say, “Thank you. That’s because I got him out of a toxic situation.”

A year ago, I posted the following memes: “Replacing me is easy…But getting them to do the same shit I did is damn near IMPOSSIBLE!” “Bottom line: A man should take care of his woman, and a woman should take care of her man. No one is before the other. It’s about teamwork.” Two years ago, I posted this one: “People have to pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you. God forbid they be accountable for their bullshit.” Yesterday, I posted, “It’s time for you to live your own life without worrying about the expectations of others.”

I have had many people close to me, decide to not back my decisions from the past almost 4 years. I have lost them. Does it hurt? Damn right it does. I gave my all to them and more. I can not repair one, very important to me relationship, do to that person’s beliefs. I have to learn how to be okay with that. I pray every day, that deep down, she sees and knows that I am truly happy and that I will forever love her.

As a teacher, I reflect on everything. Whether it has to do with work or my personal life, I am constantly reflecting. I try not to look backwards, my life is no longer there. My life is in the here and now, today, and the future.

Do I regret the decisions that I made? The decision to stay with the father of my children for 23 years. The decision to go ahead and marry him when a month before the wedding I thought, “Jenn, do you really think what you are feeling is love for him, or are you just excited that someone has chosen YOU to be with?” Do I regret the decision to stay with him even after he said he believed that someone else in his life was “the one”? After I teased him and said “maybe, if you are lucky, I will be naked when you get home” and his response was, “why are your lips going to be brown?”.

To answer those questions, the answer is honestly NO. I do not regret the decisions that I made. They happened how they happened for a reason. They taught me a lot of life lessons. They forced me to grow up, tremendously. They shaped me into who I am today. For that, I should actually say thank you to my ex. I am still a work in progress, but I actually like myself now. I am the strongest that I have ever been, mentally. I see things for what they really are, not what I hope they are. I finally have the relationship that I have always craved and searched for. So many years I spent trying to change my ex to become the person I needed. THAT was the biggest lesson that I learned, you can not change ANYONE!

I finally have someone that puts me and my needs before his own. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have always put my man’s needs before my own, that has not changed. But I also have the man that encourages me because he enjoys seeing me succeed! I can never express exactly all that he does for my spirit, my heart, my soul, and my family. What I can say, is that I will always do my best to try to express it. I will never take him for granted. I will spend everyday of my life, making him feel exactly what he means to me. I love the way I look, when I look at myself through his eyes.

Thank you! Thank you for being a part of my tribe, all of you.

Much love & appreciation,

~mamma j

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