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I screwed up

Yes, I screwed up. As much as I tell my students that God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason, to listen twice as much as you speak, I sure have not been listening to my own advice.

What happened? I interrupted Pappa when he was trying to give some very good advice to a new to the bdsm lifestyle and unsure young woman. Instead of just listening to him, accepting what he had to say, apologize and move on, I did something even more stupid. I gave him my reasoning for why I opened up my mouth when I did. BIGGER mistake!

I have pretty much had the silent treatment for almost 6 hours now. Every time I try to apologize, own up to what I did, the tears begin. Writing has always been my release, even when I was a teenager. So, I decided to turn to this blog instead.

Just what I have learned from this past 6 hours? What conclusions have I come to? That I am STILL suffering from what Kayla Lords and John Brownstone call “bad tapes”. That Pappa has been so very patient helping me to deal with them and that he so does not deserve my actions. I don’t deserve his patience.

What “bad tape” triggered me this time? In my last relationship, I joke and say that I was “the man in the relationship”. Meaning, I had to be the one with plans for the future, what we needed to do to get there, I had to be the grown up, the one in charge. I had 21+ years of that way of thinking. I’ve only been officially divorced for a year. I have A LOT of deprogramming of myself to do. I like to think that I had become really good at letting go of control, of handing it over to Pappa, on my own free will. Then there are times in the past year, where I kind of have had to “take charge” for us. The ONLY place in our life that I have had to do this, is when it concerned Pappa’s health.

I need to learn how to close down the internal dialogue that I have. I need to tell “Anxiety Jenn” to shut the hell up, go sit in the corner, and not come out again! Pappa said one thing today that really, really stuck with me. It was almost like a slap in the face, a reality check for me. He pointed out that I was trying to take care of two other people, that I did not put us first. I didn’t think about us first. I didn’t think about how I made US look. He was correct. While opening up my mouth, interrupting him, and speaking when I shouldn’t have was bad enough, I did something much worse. Not thinking about us, not putting us and the House of Eclipse first, damn I screwed up!

I want to say I am sorry, Pappa. I am sorry that I let you down, that I did not act the way I am supposed to act last night.

I want to say that I am sorry to our family, The House of Eclipse. We have many great, grand, and exciting things planned for our family and I did not behave the way that mamma should have. I promise to do better. One thing you can be sure of, I DO learn from my mistakes and this one will not happen again. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be vulnerable and to share my journey with you.

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1 thought on “I screwed up

  1. While I can definitely empathize with the pain and sorry you feel, I respectfully disagree with a point you made — you definitely deserve your partner’s patience. You made a mistake but you’re not the worst human being in the world because of it.

    Like

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